Akatsuki's meetings are a Pein
by Ralneox
Summary: Ever wonder what the akatsuki did when they all got together? Well here you go! About once a week the akatsuki meet up and report in. The only problem is that it never seems to go smoothly. This story will be for mature readers age wise . . . maybe
1. The meeting of status reports

Pein: Ok, now that everyone's here, lets hear your status reports. Sasori?

Sasori: I've found a mint condition still in the box limited edition actionman action figure with special inverted clothing.

Pein: Is that what's in the box?

Sasori: Of course! Otherwise it wouldn't be mint condition.

Pein: How do you know it's in the box if you've never opened it?

Sasori: Well I . . . I uh . . . I-

Pein: You don't actually have one do you? You just tried to pass off the box as the real thing.

Sasori: It is to in there! Look I'll show you . . . . . . . See? There! It just opened the box and . . . I opened the box . . . NOO! MY MINT CONDITION STILL IN THE BOX LIMITED EDITION ACTIONMAN FIGURE WITH SPECIAL INVERTED CLOTHING IS RUINED!

Pein: Good for you sasori, keep at it. Deidara?

Deidara: I got smashed last night and found out that my palm mouths can't hold their liquor.

Pein: You should work on that, it would be an awesome lady pick up move in bars. Itachi?

Itachi: Who said that?

Pein: I did.

Itachi: Did what?

Pein: I drew whiskers on your face and gave your hair pink highlights while you were asleep you blind weasel.

Itachi: . . . Santa?

Pein: Yes, I'm santa. I'm sorry I've kept it from you. Kisame?

Kisame: I went to sea world to say hi to my folks.

Pein: How was it?

Kisame: The people there freaked out when they saw me and shot me with tranquilizers. I woke up in a fish tank with people gawping at me. I was gonna break out but some chick called a trainer told me to sit and when I sat she gave me a fish.

Pein: Going to a place where there's lots of people, getting smashed and waking up to a woman telling you what to do? Sound like my weekends. Kakuzu?

Kakuzu: I discovered a way to make more money.

Pein: Do tell.

Kakuzu: You've heard of recycling right? They're starting to recycle water now.

Pein: You mean toilet water?

Kakuzu: Exactly! I already have a water recycling plant. So I decided to go one step further. Recycled food.

Pein: Recycled food? Where would find a product you could recycle into food?

Kakuzu: The same place I got the water from.

Pein: . . . That's disgusting, you're not cooking for a week. Hidan?

Hidan: I totally sacrificed some major bitches to jashin.

Pein: Enlighten me.

Hidan: Ten girl scouts, the mailman, the mailman's wife, the mailman's wife's lover, a park bench and the word banana.

Pein: The word banana? How did you do that?

Hidan: The same fucking way I did the park bench in.

Pein: Well at least we won't get any bills for a while. I don't know how they find us every time we move. This is supposed to be a secret base. Tobi?

Tobi: Tobi counted to infinity twice before lunch today!

Pein: I wouldn't put it past you. Zetsu?

Zetsu: We found some delicious food at a recycling plant.

Pein: Really? At a recycling plant?

Zetsu: Yeah! We followed Kakuzu to this recycling plant he owns and their was this stuff that had corn-

Pein: That's enough! I may look hardcore but I've got a stomach as sensitive as konan during her period.

Konan: You're an ass, you know that.

Pein: I know, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I'm told that. So, status report?

Konan: I found out why I get so little air time.

Pein: Really?

Konan: Yeah, paper is not that threatening regardless of how it's used.

Pein: Plan on fixing that problem?

Konan: Yeah, I'm going to get roller skates.

Pein: An angel with roller skates? Don't you fly everywhere? I haven't seen your feet in six years.

Konan: . . . I might need to roll somewhere.

Pein: But you're a shinobi. Shinobi don't roll, we run.

Konan: . . . Angels can have roller skates . . .

Pein: Whatever you say beautiful emo child. Well I guess that's it.

Kisame: What about you? What did you do this past week?

Pein: I played twister by myself.

Deidara: You played twister by yourself?

Hidan: How the fuck did ya manage that?

Pein: With all seven of my selves.

Deidara: . . .

Hidan: . . .

Smurf: . . .

Deidara: You're a freak.

Pein: Says the one with five mouths.

Deidara: I only have four. What made you think I have more?

Pein: Whenever you go up against a strong opponent in a one on one battle you reveal you have more mouths. And since we've seen your upper half that only leaves . . .

Deidara: You're gay, hmm!

Pein: No I'm not.

Itachi: Come on kisame this is getting us nowhere, lets go . . . have you gotten smaller? And why do you have a white hat on?

Kisame: I'm Kisame! That's a smurf . . . how did a smurf get in here?

Pein: I'm going to go ahead here and guess it walked.

Hidan: You telling me our secret fucking hideout got penetrated by a smurf!

Tobi: Look! There's another under sasori's chair!

Itachi: Looks like their's more than one smurf.

Smurfs: . . .

Pein: They don't do much.

Tobi: Maybe if we put live grenades in their pockets they'd do more?

Deidara: Tobi you idiot! Anyone would do more if they had a live grenade in their pocket!

Pein: Wouldn't work anyway. Smurfs are grenade proof.

Deidara: Really, hmm?

Hidan: Oh I gotta fucking see that. Blondy, go bang a smurf.

Deidara: Ok

Pein: And you said I was gay.

Deidara: You are!

Pein: Nah uh!

Konan: Yes you are. You have the ability to control corpses of any gender and yet seven of the eight bodies you've ever owned are males. Plus they're men, so when you get them dirty and you take them to the shower you-

Pein: MEETING ADJOURNED!


	2. The meeting of the tailed beasts

Pein: Everyone, lets hear your status reports on capturing the tailed beasts. One tails?

Deidara: Yeah, I totally caught one tail's host. It was easy, hmm. He was hanging out in a fast food restaurant.

Pein: A fast food restaurant? Isn't one tail's host gaara? What was he doing there?

Deidara: He was doing a kids party, hmm. When I caught him he kept saying he wasn't gaara.

Pein: Really? Well then, I better check. Bring him in.

Deidara: Gimme a sec . . . . . . Here he is.

Ronald McDonald: I keep telling you, I'm not gaara. I don't know who you naughty boys are but it's not nice to take people away without them agreeing to it.

Deidara: He wouldn't shut up the whole way here! Kept asking if I was apart of an organization called 'KFC' and that some guy called 'The Kernel' wouldn't get away with this.

Pein: Well lets see if he is the one tails host, gaara. Lets see . . . red hair . . . check . . . pale skin . . . check . . . creepy smile . . . check. Yep, he fits the description. Take him to a holding cell.

Deidara: With pleasure, hmm.

Ronald McDonald: Remember to check both ways before crossing . . . !

Pein: Damn, that guy creeped me out. Two tails.

Hidan: I got the fucker.

Pein: Did you now. How did you catch her?

Hidan: I used the cat nip and a ball of yarn I had in my pocket.

Pein: You carry around cat nip and a ball of yarn in your pocket?

Hidan; Of course! Jashin loves it when I kill the little furry fuckers, having nine lives and all. Cats are the best to sacrifice. Why you so fucking surprised that I managed to catch her?

Pein: I just never thought you'd ever get any pussy.

Hidan: OI!

Pein: Three tails.

Deidara: Tobi caught three tails.

Pein: Then why isn't he here?

Deidara: He went off to find a big enough fish bowl.

Pein: Why?

Deidara: That's the question that keeps me awake at night.

Pein: . . . O . . . kay? . . . Four tails?

Kisame: I couldn't find the four tailed monkey's host so I found another powerful monkey we can use.

Pein: Is that him?

Goku: What's going? Where am I?

Pein: He doesn't look very powerful.

Kisame: Gotta shine moon light on him.

Hidan: I'll give him moon light . . . How'd you like that, monkey boy?

Goku: Why are you showing me your butt? I'm sorry, I'm not gay.

Hidan: You little fucker! I'll show you who's gay!

Konan: Why are all guys so up tight about the whole gay thing?

Itachi: Men find their masculinity to be their main source of confidence. So when that is questioned they become more primeval more . . . instinctive.

Hidan: Mo hahaa! Ha haa! Mo oh ooh ooh! Aaah! Mo haah! Haaah! Haaaaah! Haaaaaaaaaah!

Pein: Looks like Kisame didn't have to go that far to get a monkey . . . He could have just called hidan gay and then bagged him.

Kisame: Now you tell me . . . Come on weird haired guy who can't seem to go through a fight with out ripping his shirt off.

Goku: Anything to get away from that crazy guy! Just don't moon me again.

Hidan: Mo hahaa!

Pein: Shut up hidan. Here, have a banana.

Hidan: Mo ha . . . ha ha . . . ha . . . Ohmohmohmohmohmohmohmohm.

Pein: There we go . . . good monkey . . . eat the golden fruit.

Kakuzu: I always knew you were an idiot hidan.

Pein: Speaking of idiots, Kakuzu have you caught five tails?

Kakuzu: . . . I'm gonna pretend I didn't hear that.

Pein: I'm surprised that you can hear at all, being how old you are.

Kakuzu: I don't get paid enough for this.

Pein: I don't pay you. Five tails?

Kakuzu: Bastard . . . Yeah, I caught it . . .

Pein: . . . Well? . . . Where is it? . . . Bring it out.

Kakuzu: I don't wanna.

Pein: What? Why?

Kakuzu: It's embarrassing.

Pein: Bring it out, I promise I won't laugh.

Kakuzu: Promise?

Pein: Would I lie to you?

Kakuzu: Yes

Pein: Just get the damn thing out here for me to see.

Kakuzu: Okay but I warn you . . . go easy on me . . . . . . .

Pein: Why would I . . .

Deidara: . . .

Itachi: . . .

Kisame: . . .

Hidan: ohmohmomh . . . ohmohmohmohmohm

Konan: . . .

Zetsu: . . .

Pein: Pfft! Haahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Deidara: Haahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, hmm!

Itachi: Dudes I can't see, what are we laughing at?

Kisame: Hoahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Konan: !

Zetsu: What the hell is that!

Kakuzu: It's the five tail beast. The Gobi no Irukauma . . . The dolphin horse . . .

Pein: What the-hahahahaha-hell kind of-hahahahaahha-tailed beast has a-a-ahahahahah-body of a horse and the head of-pfft-hahahahah-head of a dolphin!

Kakuzu: This kind does! Now shut up!

Pein: Ok, ok just . . . put the funny thing away . . . heh heh, dolphin horse . . .Ok, the next on the list is . . . the six tails.

Zetsu: My other half is bringing the six tail's host here now as we speak.

Kisame: I was wondering why half your body was melted.

Pein: This will not do zetsu. Why haven't you brought him here yet?

Zetsu: We found the guy smoking a joint under a tree reciting really bad poetry. Every time we caught him he would somehow appear behind us and ask us about our feelings.

Pein: And?

Zetsu: He also tried to smoke our venus-flytrap claiming it to be some 'Really good weed'. Instead of capturing him we decided to take it in turns to lead him here with various cereals and a happy sack.

Pein: God damn hippies, always trying to ruin my world domination . . .

Konan: You do realise if you wore a tie-dye shirt and a rainbow headband that you would look like a hippy?

Pein: . . . I don't like you . . . Seven tails?

Konan: That would be me.

Pein: C'mon konan, you don't look that bad.

Konan: Asshole . . . Anyway, I did catch the seven tailed beast's container.

Pein: Ok, bring her out.

Konan: That's the thing . . . I don't know if it's a boy or a girl . . .

Pein: Well, you see. The difference between boys and girls is that a boy has a peni-

Konan: THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEAN! . . . It's just that she . . . he . . . it has . . . the qualities of both.

Pein: Ok then, don't bring it out. Go put it in a holding cell or something. We already have enough weirdos in this room as it is. Eight tails?

Itachi: No one has been assigned eight tails.

Pein: Then what the hell have you been hunting?

Itachi: Nine tails.

Pein: I thought I was to get nine tails . . . ? Never mind, do you have it here?

Itachi: Yes, here it is . . . . . . .

Pein: . . .

Smurf: . . .

Pein: Ah, itachi? That's not the nine tails.

Itachi: What do you mean?

Pein: When I said go get nine tails I meant the tailed beast . . . not the pokemon.

Itachi: Oh . . . Can I keep it?

Pein: Sure, whatever floats your boat . . . psst hey, konan . . . is that smurf still sitting next to me?

Konan: Yes.

Pein: Damn, it keeps following me.

Deidara: I know, I think they're multiplying or something. I was watching one make a sandwich in the kitchen and I blinked and then there were two of them.

Kakuzu: Who cares? They make great fire wood.

Tobi: Tobi's back! Tobi no longer missing! Tobi found this outside! Tobi doesn't know what it is but here you go stain!

Pein: It's pein . . . And tobi, what have I told you about bringing stuff in from the outside without first checking what it is?

Tobi: That it's a bad idea?

Pein: Exactly. Remember that time you found a boom box that had the llama song stuck on a continuous loop at max volume and decided it would be a good idea to hide it in the base? It took us three weeks to find the bloody thing and another four for one of us to be brave enough to approach it.

Tobi: Wasn't tobi's fault that you don't appreciate fine music.

Pein: If that was fine music then my real name is wilma and my secret power is to turn stuff into cheese.

Tobi: Hello Wilma! Why do you have a smurf with a grenade next to you?

Pein: I was being sarcastic you . . .wait . . . what?

Smurf with grenade: . . .

Kisame: She's gonna blow!

Tobi: Where's sasori?

Pein: I don't know and I don't care.

Tobi: There he is! He's holding a grenade!

Sasori: DIE YOU BASTARDS! THAT WAS A MINT CONDITION LIMITED EDITION ACTIONMAN FIGURE WITH SPECIAL INVERTED CLOTHING! GO MY SMURFS! USE YOUR GRENADES!

Pein: This just isn't my day.

Smurfs with grenades: . . . BANG!


	3. The meeting over the radio

Pein: Shht, this is ranga-no-tan speaking. Can you hear ya hear me all clear? Over, shht.

Konan: . . .

Pein: Shht, I repeat this is ranga-no-tan speaking. Can ya hear two-face? Over, shht.

Two-face: This is two-face. We hears you loud and clear ranga-no-tan, over.

Pein: Shht, good to know two-face. I'll check on snap, crackle and pop. Over, shht.

Konan: Pein, what the hell are you doing?

Pein: The base has been over run by smurfs with grenades so we can't go back there. And we can't go a week without reporting in. So we're doing it over the radio.

Konan: Then why do you say 'shht' before and after your messages?

Pein: It gives it that authentic radio feel.

Konan: . . . Ok . . . Then why do you keep calling yourself 'ranga-no-tan' to that two-face guy?

Pein: Codenames so that anyone who is listening, won't make any sense of it.

Konan: Right . . . So you're ranga-no-tan, then who's two-face?

Pein: Zetsu

Can't-touchy: This is can't-touchy calling for salami. Where the hell are you? I can't see a thing with all this mist, over.

Salami: This is salami replying to can't-touchy. I'm right behind you . . . You're staring at a window and you're so close to it that your breath is fogging up the glass, over.

Konan: Who the hell were they?

Pein: Dunno, I forgot some of the code names.

Can't-touchy: Salami. Please retrieve me, over.

Salami: Sure thing can't-touchy, I'm right behind you. Here, I'll show you by grabbing your shoulder.

Can't-touchy: Sorry salami but someone is grabbing my shoulder I should talk to them . . . Hello . . . Who are you? . . . Oh my god your blue! A smurf must have followed me! Die!

Salami: No wait, it's me! Kisam-

Can't-touchy: Amaterasu!

Salami: OH GOD! IT BURNS! HELP ME! AAGH!

Pein: . . . I think . . . we just lost a member . . .

Konan: Sounds like it . . .

Can't-touchy: . . . Salami? . . . Is that you?

Smurf: . . .

Can't-touchy: Thank god, it is you. A smurf was impersonating you but I took care of it. Lets go . . .

Smurf: . . .

Konan: How can we hear a smurf when it says nothing?

Pein: Don't know, don't care. Lets see who else is out there . . . Shht. This is ranga-no-tan calling in a sound off. State your codenames. Over, Shht.

Snap: This is snap reporting in for snap, crackle and pop.

Konan: Snap, crackle and pop? Who are they?

Pein: Listen and see.

Snap: Will you two shut up? You're getting on my nerves . . . and you're wasting my time.

Pop: No I'm not! I'm a good boy!

Crackle: Shut up, hmm!

Konan: . . . Oh . . . Why are they named snap, crackle and pop?

Pein: Because it's what they do.

Konan: What do you mean?

Pein: You'll see. I'll even count them off for you.

Snap: That's it! You've wasted enough of my time! You're joining my collection!

Pein: He snaps.

Crackle: I agree! Here! Have a bomb you idiot!

Pein: He crackles.

Pop: But I didn't do-BOOM!

Pein: And he pops.

Konan: How was that crackling? And it was a boom not a pop.

Pein: . . .

Konan: You didn't think of that, did you?

Pein: . . . Shht, this ranga-no-tan calling a sound off. State your codenames. Over, shht.

Konan: Coward.

Scrooge: This is scrooge reporting in for scrooge and angry-ansem, over.

Angry-ansem: Why the fuck, do have to have that shitty codename? I want to change codenames!

Scrooge: Because you're like an angry version of ansem. And I don't think ranga-no-tan will let you change your name.

Konan: Who's ansem?

Pein: I played the original kingdom hearts when it came out and finished it. The main bad guy was a dude called ansem. But the xbox360 came out so I swapped teams, so to speak. Kingdom hearts II came out on the PS3 so I haven't played it but I hear there was some major plot developments. Whenever I try to find out the plot line I get some shit that says stuff like "Sora ran . . . he saw a heartless . . . he killed it . . . he was happy". It pisses me off that I can't find out what happened!

Konan: . . . You play kingdom hearts?

Pein: It can be played by adults! It has a thrilling storyline that brings back memories of the good old Disney movies!

Konan: . . . The head of an evil organization played a game where you interact with Disney characters?

Pein: Shut up! I told you I haven't played since the 1st one! There like four of them now!

Konan: . . . The head of an evil organization wants to play the sequel of a game where you interact with Disney characters?

Pein: Forget it! Shht, this is ranga-no-tan. Angry-ansem your codename stays. Over, shht.

Angry-ansem: MOTHER FUCKER!

Scrooge: I told you.

Pein: Well that's everyone.

Konan: Since we're alone . . . do you think we could . . . you know?

Pein: Really!? Right now?! Awesome! Yes, lets do it!

Konan: Great! I'll go get the book full of baby names! I knew you'd come around . . . . . . .

Pein: . . . What the hell? I want kinky time! Not Baby name time! This is the second fanfic that he has written with me as an unwilling couple with konan! You are a bastard Ralneo-

Smurf with grenade: . . .

Pein: . . . Easy there. . . No need to get upset. . . . I was just joking Mr. Author, I really was. . . . I love your stories . . . they're . . . uh . . . um . . . unique?

Smurf with grenade: . . . . . . .

Pein: . . . I think he's gone . . . few, that was clos-

Smurf with A-bomb: BOOM!


	4. The meeting of the replacements

Pein: Ok. Let the temporary kisame replacement auditions start! Who's first, konan?

Konan: The first one is a Mr Plankton.

Pein: Ok, send him in . . . . . . Hello Mr Plankton.

Plankton: Hello my fellow seeker of evil, I would like to join your fine evil organisation.

Pein: Hmm . . .

Plankton: What troubles you good sir?

Pein: It's just that you're a bit . . . short to be in akatsuki.

Plankton: What I lack in height I make up for with my evil genius brain, my evil friend.

Pein: You sure do like to say evil a lot. What are your past experiences with organisations of the dark kind?

Plankton: In my home town bikini bottom, I was a member of the evil organisation E.V.I.L.

Pein: . . . Bikini bottom?

Plankton: Well whats your home town-OH WAIT! You don't have one!

Pein: I'd use my awesome starwars ripoff powers on you but then I'd damage the floor and kakuzu wouldn't give me my allowance. I work damn hard for that $1.45 a week and I plan on spending it! Nothing will come between me and my hubba bubba bubble gum! NOTHING!

Plankton: Beside the fact that its difficult to imagine you with hubba bubba bubble gum, we've gotten off topic.

Pein: Sorry, I'm a bit enthusiastic about hubba bubba. I'm actually collecting all the tailed beasts so that I can make all the countries in the world give me a bazzilion dollars so that I can then buy all the hubba bubba in the world! I'll even demand that they make a new flavour for me!

Plankton: What would you call it?

Pein: PAIN!

Plankton: . . . That sounds like a terrible idea but hey, I've spent 30 years trying to out sell a burger joint with chum so what would I know. My references?

Pein: Oh yeah, sorry. So what has E.V.I.L done and what does E.V.I.L stand for?

Plankton: We did really bad stuff! . . .

Pein: . . . There any more to that description . . . ?

Plankton: I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you!

Pein: I honestly doubt that. You still haven't answered my other question.

Plankton: E.V.I.L stands for 'Every Villain Is Lemons'!

Pein: . . . Wha? . . . Lemons? What do lemons have to do with evil?

Plankton: Go on the internet and type in 'hardcore itachisasuke lemon' and you'll see what I mean.

Pein: Ok . . . lets see . . . hardcore . . . itachi . . . . sasuke . . . lemon . . . its loading . . . I don't see whats so-OH MY GOD! WHAT IS ITACHI DOING TO SASUKE WITH HIS TSUKUYOMI!? 72 HOURS OF-THAT'S JUST WRONG! ARGH! MY EYES! MY EYES HAVE BEEN RAPED! MY BRAIN IS MELTING!

Plankton: I told you.

Konan: Wow . . . Kinky. Uchiha incest and boy on boy . . . Hey look, there's one on you pein!

Pein: MY EYES ARE CLOSED BUT I STILL SEE SASUKE USING HIS SWORD FOR THINGS THAT SHOULDN'T BE DONE WITH A SWORD HANDLE!

Konan: Ok Mr Plankton, that's all for now. If your accepted we'll send someone to pick you up.

Plankton: I'll be waiting, and tell the boss when he recovers-

Pein: I'VE WITNESSED SOMETHING THAT'S SIX KINDS OF CHEESE AND ALL KINDS OF CRAZY!

Plankton: -that I'm sorry for the mental damage I've done and that I'll make it up to him.

Pein: WE MUST RUN TO THE EAST FOR THE WEST IS TOO FAR TO THE NORTH!

Konan: Ok, see ya. Come on pein. I think you should have a rest. I'll get one of your other bodies to do the rest of the interviews.

Pein: SUNSHINE DAISYS SPOON FEED MY ANU-

Konan: Shut up! You know I don't like that 'A' word for the butt . . . Just go to bed while I go get the animal path.

Pein: I WANA GO SWIMMING BUT I DON'T WANA GET WET! . . . . . .

Konan: Twit . . . . . . Ok animal pein, it's up to you for the interviews.

Animal Pein: . . . Ok . . .

Konan: . . . You're adorable, you should get more screen time . . . The next one up is . . . Am I reading this right? 'The cloak'?

The cloak: Yes that would be me, private investigator and fighter of communism.

Animal Pein: . . . You're here to temporarily fill in kisame's position until he recovers from his sudden baking . . . ?

The cloak: Well I do my best to _**fill **_things.

Konan: That's not the smartest thing to say to a female ninja.

The cloak: It's not the smartest thing to say to anybody.

Animal Pein: . . . What's under the hood . . . ?

The cloak: A burning rage to eliminate the communist threat that hangs over our heads on a daily basis. They're in every house, watching us for the moment when we're weak and then they strike from above, falling down and crushing us with their matter and peeling paint. With their ability to keep out the weather that is rightfully mine they are the foe of the ultimate degree. They should not be underestimated and destroyed immediately.

Konan: . . . Isn't that a roof?

The cloak: Why yes it is, look at it up there. Its doing a swell job.

Animal Pein: . . . He's right . . .

Konan: That doesn't answer my question.

Animal Pein: . . . What would you bring to the akatsuki . . . ?

The cloak: I come bearing gifts. Here, have a receipt.

Animal Pein: . . . When are you giving me the receipt . . . ?

The cloak: That would information that I can't give you because it's a tuesday, but I'm sure if you give me a minute I'll do what I can for your injured table cloth.

Konan: What table cloth?

The cloak: The injured table cloth that represents the hopes and freedoms of those who are in disguise. They have no home of which they can stand in so they must depend on the table cloth for the financial support they need. How else are they going to get cash to waste on expensive souvenirs and various flavoured milk? I've supported their cause for many years and I'll do so again.

Konan: Your crazy. All the stuff you say doesn't make any sense and goes off topic.

The cloak: I'm crazy about the future economy of the global warming film documentary business. What will they do when the earth cools down? That is the very question that doesn't have an answer that is an anagram and you know it! Stop denying your heritage and take off your lovely panties, only then can you truly accept the truths I speak.

Konan: GET OUT!

The cloak: Christ, she stood up! Let's get out of here . . . . . .

Konan: . . . Ok, that guy was nuts. I could have sworn I've heard of him on the net before though.

Animal Pein: . . . He's got a video, it's really funny . . .

Konan: Well he wasn't funny now.

Animal: . . . The author found it difficult to bring the true 'the cloak' personality and humor, so he did his best . . .

Konan: God, I fell sorry for him. He sucks at succeeding and he sucks at sucking, what's he meant to do?

Animal Pein: . . . I don't know . . . Next . . . ?

Mario: That would be us, wouldn't it, luigi?

Luigi: Why yes it would mario. That would be us.

Konan: Aren't you guy's plumbers from a video game or something?

Mario: Yes but we've decided to go into the mafia. Didn't we luigi?

Luigi: That we did, mario.

Konan: Ok . . .

Animal Pein: . . . What could you do for the akatsuki . . . ?

Mario: Here that luigi? They want to know what we can do for them.

Luigi: I heard mario.

Konan: Stop saying your names, it's annoying.

Mario: You've got a fine establishment here.

Luigi: Very fine.

Mario: I'd be a pity if something were to . . . _**happen**_ to it.

Luigi: Yes it would.

Konan: Are you guys threat'ning us?

Mario: We prefer the term 'Organised Protection'.

Luigi: That we do.

Konan: If we don't pay for the 'Organised Protection', what will happen?

Mario: Well you'll hav'ta find out, wont they luigi?

Luigi: That they will.

Mario: We'll keep in touch, dollface . . . . . .

Konan: They left . . . Were we just threaten'd by red and green plumbers?

Animal Pein: . . . Yes . . . Next . . .

Konan: Ok, we'll have to deal with them later. Next is . . . he calls himself 'Aizen'.

Aizen: Hello my dears, might I say that you have a wonderful selection of employees.

Animal Pein: . . . He looks like rat man . . .

Aizen: My my, don't we have a dirty little tongue.

Konan: Stop smiling, you're creeping me out.

Aizen: My apologies, tea?

Konan: What? Where'd you get that tea set from?

Aizen: Sorry darling, you're not the boss.

Animal Pein: . . . Your name has the letters for the word 'nazi' in it . . .

Aizen: Why, yes it does. Isn't that wonderful?

Konan: For an evil twisted bad guy, you're pretty fruity.

Aizen: I went insane.

Animal Pein: . . . How . . . ?

Aizen: Gin decided to play eye spy with tozen, who didn't appreciate the joke and attacked him but ran into a wall. Gin then laughed so hard that his activated his bankai.

Konan: Gin's bankai?

Aizen: Yes, the handle extends instead of the blade.

Konan: . . . That's stupid. Whats the point in that?

Aizen: He also changes his eye colour depending on where you see him. In the manga they're blue-ish, in the anime they're red and in one of the games they're gold.

Konan: That has nothing to do with what we were talking about. We'll get back to you later.

Aizen: Ta-ta . . .

Konan: Yeesh! What a freak!

Animal Pein: . . . My original body has red hair and my seven other bodies have orange hair . . .

Konan: I didn't mean it like that . . . Whatever, you know what I mean. Next is . . . Batman?

Batman: I'm batman.

Konan: I realise that.

Batman: I'm batman.

Animal Pein: . . . I think his name is batman . . .

Konan: . . . I'm starting to worry about you.

Batman: I'm batman.

Konan: You say anything else?

Batman: I'm batman.

Konan: Right . . . Are you related to Matt damon from Team America or boewulf from Boewulf?

Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon.

Beowulf: I am beowulf!

Konan: Dear god! They're here!

Batman: I'm batman.

Beowulf: I am beowulf!

Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon.

Konan: Stop it!

Matt damon: Matt. Damon.

Batman: I'm batman

Beowulf: I am beowulf!

Animal Pein: . . . I like them. You are all hired . . .

Konan: WHAT!?

Beowulf: I am beowulf!

Batman: I'm batman!

Matt damon: Matt . . . Damon!

Konan: WHY LORD, WHY? WAIT UP CRAZY PEIN! IMMA COMMIN REAL SOON!

Cell: IMMA FIRIN MAH LAZAR! BLAH!!


	5. The meeting of the censorship

4Kids Representative: Hmm . . . This will have to go . . . and this . . . those as well . . . the smurf can stay . . .

Smurf: . . .

Konan: Excuse me? What do you think you're-

4Kids Representative: I'm with 4Kids. We've had several reports of inappropriate conduct from this fanfic. But it does have potential so we have bought the rights from ralneox and now we're censoring it for children viewing.

Konan: Tch, I knew that that horrible author was responsible for this. I mean its been months since he's updated. Abandoning his readers is unforgivable.

4Kids Representative: You should see him in person. 17, skinny, messy hair. Looks like a dork. Oh, and get this. He has "Ralneox" printed on his year 12 jacket.

Konan: What a weirdo.

Pein: How many times do I have to tell you konan? You're not that weird. We all have our good qualities and yours are hidden like a pimple. A pimple on a oily forehead. With hair hidding it cause it wont go away! So now I decree you as the pimple of the akatsuki! How does it feel, oh puss one?

Konan: Gawd! Just lay off. I'm not in the mood. And why are you such a douche? Were you like this in school?

Pein: Actually, I'll have you know that I was a very caring student in my school days. I was part of the student anti-bullying council.

Konan: Really?

Pein: Yeah. I put the HARM in harmony and the DENT in student!

Konan: Whoa . . . months of waiting for bad puns. The readers must be writing angry letters as we speak.

4Kids Representative: That's why I'm here.

Konan: Oh yeah . . .

Pein: . . . Who the heck is that?

Konan: A 4Kids Representative. He's going to censor us.

Pein: Really? . . . Oh well, nothing I can do. See ya!

Konan: Nothing you can do? You're a fricking ninja! Do some "Bad translation no jutsu" and own him!

Pein: But I'm only one man konan.

Konan: What? You have seven bodies? How are you one man? And add on the fact you took on an entire village and you're more than one man!

Pein: I'm just one man konan, one man . . . . . .

Konan: ASS! . . . Oh god! . . . Where'd the 4Kids Representative go? Oh crap, he's going to make changes without us knowing! Who knows what terrible dubbing we'll suffer!

Hidan: What's up sunshine?

Konan: Oh hidan, there's a guy . . . making . . . changes . . . did you just say sunshine? What happened to all the swearing?

Hidan: I don't lollypops know! I woke up like this! Every time I try to sweet things swear I end up saying gummy drops weird things! I cant even kittens say cuddles!

Konan: Oh god hidan . . . that 4Kids Representative censored your swearing. You've been altered for family viewing. That means no swearing.

Hidan: GOD! SMILES! DAMN IT! . . . Hey . . . I can say damn it . . . Cuddles yeah!

4Kids Representative: Whoops! Forgot that one. I apoligise for the inconvenience. Oh, and that scythe has got to go . . . . . . there! My job here is done. I need to go and censor some more stuff now. Ta-taa!

Hidan: My scythe has been replaced by a . . . by a . . . Oh jashin! What the butterflies is it?

Konan: Its a tickle me elmo.

Hidan: How am I meant to sacrifice people with a tickle me elmo? Rrrgh . . . can I still say mittens? . . .

Koan: . . . Hidan? . . . Are you ok? . . .

Hidan: . . . I'll SUNSHINE KITTENS SIDEWAYS WITH HIS MOM WHILE HAPPY PLACE ALL OVER HER TICKLES AND THEN I"LL FLIP HER OVER AND LOLLYPOPS EVRYWHERE! JASHIN WILL PUDDLES IN HER LAST BREATH! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Konan: O . . . kay? While you have a melt down I'm gonna stop that 4Kids Representative. Bye! . . . . . . Ok, now where could he have gone? . . . There he is! Oh no . . . He's with deidara and sasori!

4Kids Representative: Young lady, you should not talk that way about your elders.

Sasori: You should listen to the man, deidara. He seems like an intelligent person.

Deidara: You're only saying that because he siding with you and he thinks I'm a girl, hmm!

Smurf: . . .

Konan: What happened!?

Deidara: I was showing this ancient fool here what real art is when this guy showed up and started telling me off! Who does he think he is, hmm!

4Kids Representative: I'm the man who decides what is and isn't censored.

Deidara: The who who does what to who?

Konan: Ralneox sold our fanfic to 4Kids. And now we are being censored for children so they don't get harmed.

Deidara: Well they aren't censoring me!

4Kids Representative: I've already done both of you and now I'm off . . . . . .

Konan: Crap! You've already been changed! Do you feel any different?

Deidara: Nope!

sasori: No . . .

Smurf: I can talk . . .

Konan: What is it sasori?

Sasori: Well . . . I know what he changed about me but I . . . I kinda like it.

Deidara: Really?

Konan: What did he change.

Sasori: Look, I'll summon a corpse puppet and you'll see . . . . . .

Deidara: . . . Whoa . . .

Konan: Your . . . puppets are . . . they're been turned into . . . into . . . into dolls?

Sasori: They're action figures!

Deidara: Still sore about the first couple of meetings and what happened to your action man doll, huh?

Sasori: ACTION FIGURE!

Deidara: Pfft, sure. Whatever.

Konan: So why do you like them?

Sasori: Before I had to look everywhere for a certain action figure I wanted. Now I just try to summon a puppet and I get it straight away! No paying, no waiting, no time wasted! I'm so happy!

Deidara: Otaku . . . Am I saying that right, hmm?

Konan: Ok, so you're alright with your changes . . . What about you deidara? Found the change yet?

Deidara: Nope! I'm A O K!

Sasori: Try making a bomb.

Koan: Oh yeah! That what they probably changed. Try it diedara.

Deidara: Ok, but I'm telling you that my bombs are fine. Watch . . . . . .

Sasori: This'll be good.

Bomb: CENSORED!

Deidara: . . . Its . . . perfectly . . . fine . . . . . .

Konan: . . .

Sasori: . . .

Deidara: . . .

Sasori: I told you

Deidara: What happened to my bombs? I just set one off and instead of going BOOM! It went CENSORED! There was even the word CENSORED blocking the best view off my art! Why lord, why!

Konan: Sorry deidara but I've gotta make sure he doesn't change to anything else. Good luck with the bombs!

Deidara: I wanna bang!

Distant Pein Voice: Told . . . you . . . he . . . was . . . a . . . gay . . .

Deidara: SHUT UP, HMM!

Konan: Gotta go, bye! . . . . . . Where is he . . . I could of sworn-ACHOO! . . . Did I just-ACHOOO! . . . Sneeze? Hmm . . . Oba dare(sniffle) . . . Zessu-ACHOO! . . . Wah appen?

Zetsu: Some guy saw me eating a smurf and said that it was to violent and he wrote something on a clip board and now this is happening.

Konan: Imb allergek fu hiss suff.

Zetsu: Well, you can blame him! Its not my fault I'm pollinating! Look at me! I'm having plant sex with myself! Its gross but kinda satisfying. Not to mention the flowers sprouting from all over my flytrap are kinda pretty.

Koan: Godda goh . . . ACHOO! . . . Polwen uhp my nosf . . . Buh, buh . . . . . . ACHOO . . . I fink . . . I think I got it all out of my system (sniffle). God I hate allergies. Stupid pollen. I didn't know zetsu pollinated? Then agiain, he is a plant. So it does kinda make sense . . . and make him less threatening . . . Where is that pesky 4Kids Representative now?

Kisame: HOLY CRAP! Itachi, what happened to your face!?

Konan: I've gotta feeling he went this way . . . . . .

Itachi: What are you talking about?

Kisame: . . .

Konan: What's wrong kisam-HOLY CRAP! Itachi, what happened to your face?

Itachi: Why do you guys keep going on about my face?

Konan: Its just . . . well.

Kisame: Your entire face has been . . . blacked out.

Itachi: Blacked out?

4Kids Representative: That's right. Mothers are worried about their daughters sanity. Constantly fawning over an imaginary character and saying he is smexy and the best uchiha having incest with sasuke-

Distant Pein Voice: I . . . can . . . still . . .see . . .them . . . . . . the . . . innocent . . .children!

Konan: . . .

4Kids Representative: Something I should know about?

Konan: No, not really. You'd think 48 straight hours of girl on girl videos would clear his head of that stuff. Hmm . . . maybe deidara was right in the first meeting.

4Kids Representative: As I was saying . . . I did it. To blue boy there two. Now I bid you ado!

Kisame: What he say about me?

Konan: Will it never end?

Itachi: Yep, I can totally SEE what you guys mean. Ignoring the SHORT SIGHTED one to talk to some random stranger!

Konan: Ranting someone is more effective if you face their direction.

Itachi: Oh.

Kisame: Helps if we could see your facial expression too.

Itachi: Again with the face jokes. I don't see any blackness so there. I follow ancient uchiha beliefs that have been passed down, generation to generation.

Kisame: They are?

Itachi: Seeing is believing!

Konan: Go figure.

Kisame: Oh crap!

Konan: What is it!? Is the it change!? The censor!?

Kisame: What? No! Of course not. Sea world opens in ten minutes! If I get there any later, I'll miss out on the free chum! Plus I've got a three o'clock show on.

Konan: You do shows?

Itachi: I've been wondering why you smell like fish.

Konan: You only just noticing that?

Kisame: Hey! I'll have you know that they love me there. Though I gotta practice heaps or I'll get out of shape. I've become quite the star. Everyone comes to see "Shark Man: He's Freaking Blue!" I'm the hottest thing on the block. So gotta go. Now where's my sword . . . There it is! Come on salmonhead. We've gotta talk about you hogging the spotlight . . . . . .

Konan: Why did kisame pick up a giant salmon head? Doesn't he carry a huge sword wrapped in bandages? And I thought it was samahada or something. Salmonhead isn't that awesome a sword name . . .

Itachi: Hey konan.

Konan: Yeah?

Itachi: How many uchihas does it take to change a light bulb?

Konan: Uh . . . one?

Itachi: None! Uchihas can see in the dark!

Konan: . . . Good for you . . .

Itachi: Hey konan?

Konan: . . . What?

Itachi: How many uchihas does it take to paint a room?

Konan: . . .

Itachi: C'mon! How many uchihas does it take to paint a room?

Konan: . . . Hah . . . How many?

Itachi: None! Uchihas are to noble for walls!

Konan: Then what keeps your roof up?

Itachi: Our awesomeness.

Konan: . . . You've been hanging out with pein haven't you?

Itachi: Hey konan! How many uchihas does it take to do something intelligent?

Konan: None?

Itachi: . . . I'm leaving. You're way to smug for your own good . . . . . .

Konan: That was weird. Never seen the smug inner comedian of itachi before. Then again, I've never seen hidan say so many happy words, zetsu pollinate or kisame willingly go to sea world before . . .

Tobi: Tobi make guest appearance!

Konan: Tobi, you can only make a guest appearance if you're a guest. You're not a guest. You're a character. An antagonist in fact.

Tobi: Aw . . . Then tobi will be the voice of complaint!

Konan; I think you mean voice of reason.

Tobi: VOICE OF COMPLAINT! Why is orochimaru not included? Why is kisame ok now? Why are there so many smurfs? Why isn't kakuza being censored? Why does ralneox suck at humour? What happened to animal pein? Why are akatsuki members walking around even though they died? What happened to bat, matt and wulf?

Konan: Tobi. This is a fanfiction. Fan-FICTION. Its not meant to make sense.

Tobi: . . . Tobi went pee pee in the corner of a round room! Wanna see?

Konan: No thank you tobi. I gotta go now. Bye . . . . . .

Tobi: Bye bye! . . . . . .

Pein: . . . Where the hell is everyone? . . . Who am I meant to tease when no one's around . . . Hmm?

Konan: Found you! Look pein, the 4Kids Representative is over there! Go and show him who's boss!

Pein: Why?

Konan: He'll censor everything! Its only just started! Everything cool is being taken away!

Pein: And I care why?

Konan: . . . He said that the cake is a lie.

Pein: HE DID WHAT! IT IS NOT A LIE! WAIT TILL THE CREDITS END NUMB NUTS! COME HERE YOU BE-ACH . . . . . . !

Konan: Finally, he takes some action. All this over some gamer argument? Lame. I don't even like the game. Oh! Here's pein! . . . So . . . How did it go? Kicked that little weaklings ass? You showed that 4Kids Representative that he can't censor or change what ever he wants, huh pein?

Mild Discomfort: . . .

Konan: . . . You're so lame . . .

Mild Discomfort: I don't wanna talk about it . . .


	6. The meeting of the smurfs

Smurf: . . . . . .

Smurf: . . . . . .

Smurf: . . .

Smurf: . . . !

Smurf: . . . ?

Smurf: . . . !

Smurf: . . . !?

Smurf: . . . . . .

Smurf: . . . ?

Smurf: . . .

Smurf: . . . ?

Smurf: . . .

Smurf: . . . :(

Smurf: . . . !

Smurf: . . . ?

Smurf: . . . :( . . . !!

Smurf: . . . :0

Smurf: . . . !?

Smurf: . . . X0

Smurf: . . . . . .

Smurf: . . . XD


End file.
